I could be getting depressed.
Depression doesn’t start with a fall off a cliff into despair. Sometimes it starts with a desire to sleep and keep sleeping, a malaise, a disinterest in doing things.
Depression creeps in slowly. The long nap becomes the weepy day becomes the “it has always been bad and it will always be bad”.
I am prone to depression, especially at this time of year. I have bipolar II, which is a mood disorder that results in depression and hypomania. (Hypomania we’ll leave for another day; today is about depression). As I’ve said, one of the symptoms is sleeping a lot, and I slept most of yesterday away.
Depression is dangerous. When one gets to the point where “it has always been bad and it will always be bad”, suicide seems like a reasonable response. It is not, of course; it solves the problem but also kills the person.
I have been in dangerous depressions. They are fewer than they were because I am on good medication. But those don’t work 100% so I have to monitor myself for depressive episodes. Right now is one of those times.
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I have slept more and more deeply this winter than in years. I’m prone to depression – SAD mostly, and it always lifts somewhat around February or March. I’m also a bit of an insomniac, so I’m hoping that in some ways, I keep the better sleep part of the funk, even as my spirits rise.
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I track my sleep for my psychiatrist because too much sleep for two weeks means a depression; not enough sleep for two weeks generally means hypomania. Luckily, I seem to have gotten through my hibernation, although with these wind chills (-20 this morning) I might consider hibernating again.
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